WANTED: Renegade Muse. Dead or Alive.
-by Nev Scheffler
My Muse is a lazy, fickle b*tch. Quite truthfully, she wouldn't care if I were flipping burgers at MickeyDees. Instead of images of coy, graceful and inspirational Greek beauties that are invoked at the mention of "Muse," I'm almost certain I have a moody, seventeen-year-old with bad gum-chewing and channel-flipping habits. What's more is I think she idolizes Bonnie Parker or Belle Starr because she's always shooting down good freelance leads and always—and I mean ALWAYS—on the run.
Long and short of it: I can't wait for her to inspire me. I've heard "writers" who aren't writing full-time for the bread and bacon wax poetic about waiting for their "Muse to strike." If I wait for that, I'm afraid I'm going to be a mangled literary mess in the middle of the freelance highway. My Muse takes no prisoners.
So, when it's time to write, I don't wait for the little tart to show up. I hunt her down like the dog she is. I drag her by her hair, kicking and screaming into my mind and tie her to something sturdy. And I squeeze the inspiration out of her. She may emerge bloodied, bruised and spiritually broken, but SHE. WILL. TALK!
Want to catch your Muse and make her give you the goods? Then you can't be gentle. You can't pussyfoot around when it's your writing career that's been held hostage in some dingy basement. Torture may be illegal for the U.S. Government, but it doesn't apply to mythical creatures—including Muses.
So, go ahead, try a little mental waterboarding to get the writing goods:
1. Capture & Detain:The only way to stop your Muse from watching T.V., idly hanging out at the bookstore, baking a cake, or surfing in the Web is to physically put her in a chair, in front of the computer and open up a word processing document. If need be, give yourself a timeframe in which to finish any online research, then unplug the 'net.
2. Bribery Helps:Sometimes honey attracts more Muses than vinegar. So promise her the world. Wave a piece of nice dark chocolate in front of her nose. Remind her that if she helps you complete that assignment, you'll buy her a nice steak dinner. Muses like to eat too.
3. Threaten Her:Does your Muse like having pretty face? What about her mythical powers? OR a weekend off to watch that new movie she's been dying to see? Hit her where it hurts. Take away something she likes if she doesn't get the work done. If she is going to act like a spoiled teenager, then ground her. If that doesn't work, go on and maim her a bit, maybe even strap a bomb to her with short fuse. A few scars and bruises will just remind her to get motivated the next time she wants to slack off. And it's amazing how much she'll get done if she knows she's on a timer.
4. Force Her Hand:Still not talking? Give her a shot of tongue-loosening serum in the form of a blank page and a generic prompt. Refuse to let her stop talking for 5, 10, 20, 30 minutes. She can't get up, move, play online, stop writing, get a drink, or anything but ramble until the timer goes off. Then when it does, you can glean through the chaff for some grains of wisdom.
And finally.... 5. PRAISE:Your Muse has spoken. It took some extreme measures, but she finally broke down and spilled the beans. She's given you a good paragraph or two. Show her that you appreciate her cooperation with something nice and a pat on her pretty little (though slightly battered) head. Then remind her that life will be a whole lot easier if she only cooperates.
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According to Nev's Twitter profile, she is a Gemini with too many hobbies. A writer for hire.
http://www.nevadascheffler.com/
http://www.linkedin.com/in/nevadascheffler
http://stores.lulu.com/nevadascheffler
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